I am the Pirate King...

and Evan Stone is Captain Edward Reynolds, "the greatest pirate hunter in the world" according to perhaps the greatest porn ever made, Pirates.


Directed by Joone and released by Digital Playground in 2005, this is the most well crafted, planned, written, and directed Porn I have ever seen. There are plenty of Hollywood Porn knock offs out there, but this one is done with a style and flair rarely seen in the Adult Industry. Full blown sets, costumes, and even, dare I say it, writing! I have found myself watching it many times for the story. And I mean it.

It's plot is simple. Captain Edward and his first mate Jules (Jesse Jane), are after Captain Victor Stagnetti (Tommy Gunn doing his best Johnny Depp impression) and his equally blonde and sexy first mate Serena (Janine Lindemulder), who have kidnapped Manuel Valenzuela (Kris Slater) and nearly killed Manuel's wife, Isabella (Carmen Luvana) on their wedding night. Much like the film it is based on, there's deception, magic and CGI skeletons on the journey to rescue Manuel from Stagnetti and reunite him with his love.

A long the way, Isabella has not one, but two lesbian experiences, Serena questions her evil ways, Jules pleasures the crew, an ex (Steven St. Croix) and both Serena and Isabella. As in any porn, it's the girls who really get any, but Victor tallies up one scene with Serena, and Edward gets it on with three ladies of the Pink Cannonballs, two at once (though one is really just a glorified fluffer and gets no real action but part of the final "money shot") and one in a barn while its on fire (and of course when the crazy, 5'0 stalker prostitute says she'll only let you out of the burning barn if you "make love" to her then you obviously need to get 'er done before rescuing yourself or your childhood friend and first mate. Only poor Manuel gets Isabella once on their wedding night and once at the end, though he does get the promise that next time Isabella gets it on with another girl (which she realized she REALLY liked and was really really really worried Manuel would be upset about) he'll get to watch and maybe even join in.

I hope no one thinks I've ruined the plot. It's pretty straight forward from the get go, and most people don't really watch porn for the "story." However, the details I haven't shared are perhaps the best. Watch for mean girl on girl biting and slapping sex, candles, and deflowering.

Now, before I wrap this up I have a few things to say. One, Jesse Jane is perhaps the scariest female performer there is. Her sex scenes are all slapping, biting, sweat, and spit, and her implants jiggle in some of the most disturbing ways. XXXtina and I could even detect the scars from her procedure(s) with little effort. This might not bother most of the intended audience, but for a porn that could easily break the gender barrier of porn being primarily consumed by men, it's little things like this that disgust most women. Now, watching Janine is a breath of fresh air compared to Jesse and Carmen. She's sexy, gorgeous, and not my age or younger (both Authors of this blog are in their early twenties). At just under 40, she's the sexiest woman in the whole video, and one of the better actresses but that probably comes with about 20 years of experience.

Speaking of acting, it's amazing to witness Steven St. Croix in action. Though it seems he studied from the Will Ferrel school of acting (and looks quite a bit like the Hollywood actor in the video) he's a breath of fresh air and made me develop some what of a "talent crush" on him (talent crush=crushing on one for what he/she does rather than how he/she looks--ie crushing on their talent). He's the only porn star I've ever actually looked up to see what else he has done. This isn't to say the other male actors aren't equally entertaining, but I will admit, if my friends are wary of the movie, I show St. Croix's scenes first, and soon they have me starting it from the beginning and watching it over and over.

I refuse to do an actual rating system (because I find them arbitrary and silly) but I will say this is a must have for everyone's pornfolio.

The DVD is available from Digital Playground for $49.95.